Selling Yourself

A line from The Canterbury Tales caught my attention this morning. The Wife of Bath said, "And therefore to all men this tale I tell, let gain who may, for everything's to sell." She sold her virtue to get her way with her husbands. I was wondering about the things we sell ourselves for.

For example, I recall a time in college when a boy tried to befriend me. He was socially backward and I knew befriending him would make me less popular. Since I was only a freshman, I thought I could not afford to be his friend, so I gave him a cold shoulder. When I could not avoid running into him in the hallways, I gave short, clipped responses to his greetings. Coldly polite. A while later I reflected on my behavior and realized I had sold myself. I had felt I should befriend this boy, but I had sold that sense of what was right for what I thought would bring me popular acceptance.

In the long run, I realized I had had purchased a forfeit.

I wonder what other things I have sold myself for: momentary pleasure, indulgence in anger, selfishness, self-aggrandizement, entertainment, laziness.

I don't think I've sold myself for money. I remember another occasion when I was faced with a decision. In high school I taught piano lessons. It was a pretty decent, lucrative job for a teenager. The day came when income taxes were due, and I realized that technically I was self employed and should have to pay taxes on the money I had made teaching piano. I also realized that realistically, no one would ever punish me if I did not pay them. The IRS certainly was not going to waste its time following up on a teenager to see if I had paid my taxes. The general consensus of those I knew was that I could just forget about it. For me, however, this was a test. What would I sell my integrity for? The price was high. The tax rate for people who are self-employed is higher than for teens who have a regular employer. Nonetheless, I was not willing to compromise. I paid the price.

It is easy to look back on that event and pat myself on the back. However, I see that on a daily basis I sell myself in less obvious ways. Last night I stayed up reading a book when I should have been sleeping. Yesterday I got frustrated with my daughter when she wouldn't let me concentrate. This morning I skimped on my personal prayer time to get in a few more prep minutes for class. Why am I so willing to sell myself when the price is so much lower?

Maybe the price is not lower. Maybe I just value things other than money more than I should. If I look at the things I am willing to sell myself for, maybe those choices will reveal some of my acting values. What did I sell myself for yesterday and today? Entertainment, getting things done, being recognized for my work. These acting values conflict with my professed values: health and well-being, family and fatherhood, and spirituality. I suppose in life we are constantly trying to bring our acting values into alignment with our professed values.

I wonder what the Wife of Bath was revealing about her acting values when she sold herself. What was it that she really wanted? What was it that she professed to want?